A year ago this month I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and in light of that, I have a few things to get off my chest. I’ve had something to say for a while, but I’ve put it off because I wasn’t sure how to write it without sounding like an asshole. Then I realized, I am an asshole sometimes, so I might as well own up to it and do it. Still, I’m going to try to word this as nicely as I can.
I was talking to a friend of mine, whose mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and the ...
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Time.
I've questioned my time on this earth on three occasions...
1. When my father in law died.
2. When my first child was born.
3. When they told me I had cancer.
I'd lost loved ones before my father in law passed, but it hadn't been the same. I lost a cousin when we were thirteen, and that was as shocking as it was sad, but at that age I didn't process things the way I do now. At thirteen you still think you're invincible, despite being shaken like that. When my father in law died, I was ...
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Tears.
I've mentioned this before, but I don't really cry. I get sad, I get happy, I get mad, and my eyes water, but I never REALLY cry.
Well, today, every dam keeping my tears contained exploded (apparently). I woke up to two kids bursting into my room like it was Christmas morning, yelling, "Last day of your medicine! Today is the last day of your medicine!" They ran around, shouting it to the world, the way only a five and three year old could, and I just started crying and laughing with them. I ...
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gratitude.
I'm always talking about how grateful I am for the things I have (because I am). When I was diagnosed, one of my first thoughts was, "I'm so glad it got me and not my husband, or worse, my kids." As terrible as it is to experience this, I can't imagine seeing a loved one go through it. Often times when I'm feeling helpless, I think about how my husband must be feeling as he watches me toss and turn at night and groan about how bad the pain is. It's probably one of the reasons I rarely complain, ...
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Hope.
All my life I’ve prepared myself to walk alone. Depending on people was a weakness I never wanted to have. Through this cancer thing, it’s something I’ve struggled with, but am grateful that I can do. During chemo weeks, my kids alternate staying between my mom and my mother in law’s house. I’m not well enough to cater to them because I’m so out of it. I’ve had to learn to be okay with turning down field trips and letting my mom go in my place. I’ve had to learn to watch from a chair as they get ...
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Beauty.
I never considered myself a vain person before all of this. I was always the girl who dressed however she wanted, whenever she wanted. Some days I woke up and wore a dress and make up, but most days I wore jeans, a superhero t-shirt and my hair up in a bun. I'd never really thought about the way I looked, because quite frankly, I didn't care. I know who I am, I don't need anybody's approval and never really cared about what they thought of me when they looked at me.
When I first diagnosed, ...
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